Letters and Numbers
by Exploading albino potato
Summary: This story is up for adoption.
1. How it began

I am Beyond Birthday. Here is the story of why I hated L.

A long time ago, centuries it seems, I lived in large mansion in England with my parents and my twin. We were quite happy and L and I loved each other like the brothers we were.

I Refuse to reveal my name, nor L's so I will just replace our names with out current aliases.

L got sick. So sick he was nearly dying. And coughing up blood all over the pure white sheets of his bed. He was always so weak he seldom went outside, when he did he shivered even in the spring. Forget about school. My twin was so smart he learned from the textbooks and tutors. He was inside so much he grew pale. His coughing fits kept the ill boy up all night and when he did sleep he would wake up and not be able to breath. So he learned to hate sleeping. L had, had little social interaction with any of his peers like I had so he practically became a sociopath. So while I was playing outside at recess, sharing my jam, and having fun, he was holed up in his room whithout any social connections.

Still, I loved my brother and helped him out through the awkward introductions when he met someone new, and when we were together I knew he felt stronger.

Then some crazy psycho murdered our parents (you seem surprised, I Beyond Birthday the heartless insane murderer is calling somebody else psycho.) he was caught, and put in jail but it's not like a jailed murderer brings back our parents.


	2. Wretched Whammy's house

There wasn't much welcome to us when my twin and I arrived at Whammy's house that's because the detective all the successors at Whammy's admired had just died. People were being tested and quizzed and judged to see who would take his place. It was some kid named Green. Green wasn't her real name of course, it was her alias. When L and I were tested (the entire process of determining every orphan's intelligence took about a month actually) L turned out to have an IQ of 186 and I was told that mine was 178. They lied. I saw the computer screen and mine was also 186. I didn't know why they did, but I soon found out.

Apparently years ago there were two twins with the exact same IQ score like us who had tried to kill each other over who was smartest. That's why they lied to me and they also would not let us sleep in the same room even though we had since we were babies. My roommate was called Alternate; he was there in case something happened to L (whose alias was Lost by the way. I don't know why the staff let a five year old kid name himself Lost but they did) and Lost was there in case something happened to Green. Alternate and I became the best of friends as I grew more and more distant from Lost. Lost became even more antisocial then before, trying to live up to Green. Alternate (who we often called A) was always trying to live up to Lost. A had light brown hair and shining sky blue eyes. He was obsessed with school and had a nervous disorder that brought the worst symptoms before tests. He sometimes hyperventilated and bit his nails till they were half the size of an average person's. He was so set on being perfect I could tell it ruined his life. He got disappointed at 95 test scores and he was so stressed and pressured.

When Lost and I were about 13 A had a case of serious depression.

"Beyond?" he called to me one day in our room. Our room was immaculate, thanks to me and my OCD (obsessive cleaning disorder.)

"What's up, A?"

He paused, giving me a pained expression.

"What's wrong?"

"I...B...I don't think I want to live anymore."

"What do you mean?" I was alarmed.

"I..." Alternate blinked and tears spilled out of his light-blue innocent eyes. He raised a knife he had had on the bed next to him.

I glanced above the brunette's head. The numbers ticked down fast by the seconds


	3. More than a friend, more than a brother

"Please A!" I grabbed the knife away from the brunette. Why would you want to do this to yourself? Why would you want to do this to me?

"I-I don't want to be here, Beyond!" Alternate sobbed. "I don't want to be a detective, I do not want to be perfect!"

"Nobody says you have to be-"

"Yes they do! They do Beyond!"

I sat down next to my friend and wrapped my arms around him.

"Please don't try and end your life..." I said gently.

"And why should I?" A choked.

"Because I need you. I need you A."

He sniffed. "You...you..."

"Your like my brother A."

"But you already have a brother."

"He's too obsessed with being a detective to pay attention to inferior little Backup. So I have you."

"Thank you B..." A snuggled into me and cried the last of his tears on my shoulder, while I rubbed his back and stroked his hair. When A was done, I asked him a question.

"A, do you promise you will never try and hurt yourself again?"

"I...I promise."

Oh A, my dear friend. That was the biggest lie you ever told me. Why did you have to break my heart like that?

Nothing terribly significant happened for a while, until we were 16 and Green died. I didn't really care of course, I'd never known her well, but now Lost was the detective, and A was my twin's first successor. He kept freaking out and setting unachievable goals for himself.

One day I found him in the bathtub. Cutting himself.

I was just going to go to the bathroom and I guess A had forgotten to lock the door because when I opened it I saw him. Alternate was sitting in the tub, holding a sharp kitchen knife and slowly dragging it across his arm. Spurts of blood seeped from the gashes and rolled down his arm. My friend was crying softly.

"A!"

He gasped and looked up, trying to roll down the sleeve of his red sweater, but I put my arm on his should firmly.

"What the hell do you think you are doing Alternate?"

"I was just...just..." The brunette stumbled over his worlds and then burst into sobs. "It's the only way I can...I can..."

I grabbed a towel off the rack and wet it with sink water. I cleaned up A's arm, and was horrified to see scars from other times that I had no idea about.

"A." I hissed, while putting Band-Aids over the fresh slices in his arm. "How long has this cutting business been going on?"

He sniffed. "Th-Three month's maybe?

"You've been cutting yourself for three months and haven't got help, or told me or something?"

He nodded glumly.

"...is it just your arm or have you cut in other placed too..."

"...My legs..."

I rolled up the legs of his jeans and saw slashes on his calves and ankles and some Band-Aids.

"You have to stop." I order him firmly.

"But...I can't..."

"...you can't?"

A shook his head and averted his eyes from me.

"Why not?"

"I...I don't know...it just f-feels good."

I'd heard of people causing themselves physical pain to ease their mental pain. I guess this is what was going on with my poor A.

"B-beyond?"

"Yes."

"I can't stop. I've become addicted."

"Yes you can." I gritted my teeth.

"A's long as they treat us like this I will never be able to stop!" He shouted.

"..."

"...I'm nothing but a letter." A whispered

"No." I shook my head.

"Yes B. It's the same with you. Were just tools and nobody cares about how we feel. They want to turn is into freak'n robots to solve cases and be detectives and not think of anything else. They want us to hate each other. Love is a weakness."

I felt my shinigami eyes brim with tears, what A has said was so true.

"I'll never...I'll never hate you A." I wrapped my arms around him in a hug.

"...thanks..."

"I love you...More thank a brother...more than a friend..." I said I softly. Our eyes were closed and all I could hear was A's steady breathing.

"Me too B..." Alternate whispered "Me too."


	4. Escape attempt

One day , A was freaking out over another perfectly decent test grade and it was irritating me. A lot.

"Ugh I'll never be able to be like Lost! He'll always think less of me!"

"Oh shuddup about my twin."

This actually happened quite frequently until finally couldn't stand it. This orphanage was driving me nuts, they encourage the kids to hate them and develop inferiority complexes. I had decided to escape. With A of course.

"Hey A!" I said one night As we finished up homework

"Yeah?"

"Don'cha sometimes just wanna...escape..."

"Mm...Yeah."

"I mean your always so stress out about stuff...what if we ran off to a place where we'd just never get caught...no one would find us...we wouldn't have to worry.

"Oh BB...your imagination."

"No I'm serious A! Just imagine...the starry sky above us as we jog through the woods with a pack on each of out backs...You would be holding my hand and we'd inhale the fresh night air, the sweet scent of adventure...with nobody to call us Backup and Alternate...

"Oh B." he laughed and shook his head.

"Oh A." I walked from my bed over to his and sat down, giving him a kiss on the cheek."

"All that shojo can't be good for you BB!"

I grinned. "But most of it's filled with such beautiful yaoi..." I stroked A's hair lovingly and flicked off the light switch.

A minute passed.

"So...you want to?" I whispered. There is something just so romantic about whispers in the dark.

"Run off?" A whispered back.

"Yeah..."

"...Ok...Beyond...

I turned the Light back on and started to pack up a green drawstring bag with cloths money and jam. A was packing up his red satchel.

"How about we wait until tonight...when it's midnight?" I suggested.

"No, that's too early. Wait until two."

"Ok."

I set the alarm clock but made sure it was on low volume. I put it next to my ear on my bed and hoped I didn't knock it off in my sleep.

A few hours later I awoke the annoying beeping in my ear. I turned off the alarm and sat up.

I padded over to A's bed and shook him gently.

"Alternaaaste..."

He rolled over and sat up. A grinned.

"Reddy?" I asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be!"

We had both slept in our cloths to make things faster, so we didn't need to change.

I opened the window next to my bed and took out the screen. A tied the rope he had to the bedpost and made sure the knot was secure.

We both glanced out the window looking down at the ground. Using the regular door was too risky so we had to exit through the window.

"Um...B?" A said nervously.

"What is it my love?"

"I never told you this but...I'm afraid of heights..."

"Oh A it's not that bad!" I chuckled softly. "Watch me, I'll go first!"

I made sure that my bag was secured around me, A had dropped his satchel but my bag was full of jam jars that would break and be a mess if I dropped it.

I grabbed onto the rope and tried to slide slowly so my hands didn't get burnt.

When I finally reached the ground I was about to call up when I remembered everybody inside the orphanage was asleep.

I watched A try and climb down slowly but halfway down he fell and made a screeching noise as he fell I moved to catch him but I was knocked over as Alternate landed in my arms.

"Smooth move." I said.

"Right back at ya B!" A giggled.

We gathered our stuff and ran into the woods, not sure where we were going, but not caring either.

We kept running, holding hands until we were sure we were far enough away from Whammy's. We stopped to take a breath when I heard leaves rustling behind A and me. I turned around slowly and saw, in the dark, my reflection.

"You." He purred. "Are in sooo much trouble."


	5. My evil twin

I stood, frozen in my tracks, gripping A's hand. My twin...My EVIL twin was smirking at me! That bastard...

"You forgot Backup. I'm an insomniac so I was awake and I SAW you and Alternate escaping."

"Yeah...? Well you'd do darn well to keep your frigg'n mouth shut about it!"

"I'll do no such thing. Running away from your duties as a detective is unacceptable."

He was sneering. Lost. Was. Sneering.

"Wipe that disgusting grin off L!" And I punched him in the face.

"B, please don't try and start a fight with me. Come back to the orphanage.

"No! C'mon A, run!"

"Ok!" We started to dash off, when brother called "Wait! You'll be in a lot more trouble if we have to get the police to find you!"

We slowly turned around.

"Don't you think running away was very stupid and immature?"

I started to speak but L held up his hand. "Backup, I know what you're going to say, but Alternate...what do think?"

Lost and I stared at the brunette, waiting for an answer.

"Well..." His crystal blue eyes darted between my twin and me nervously. His sweaty hand relinquished its grasp of mine. "I guess we should go back...to avoid trouble...this was sort of a stupid idea..."

"Yeah fine, but don't tell Mr. Whammy!" I snarled.

"I regret to say, I have already informed him of your unexpected disappearance..." L smirked.

"Asshole..." I muttered trudging through the would back to the asylum...

Upon arriving back at the orphanage, we were sent straight to bed to be talked to in the morning. After breakfast the next day A and I were called to Mr. Whammy's office.

Of course, we got the whole talking to about why running away is dangerous and blah, blah, blah. Surprisingly though we were never asked WHY we wanted to run away. The outcome was that I was a bad influence on a who was a "Intelligent, studious, individual." and he had to be moved out of my room. Guess whose room he was moved to? Oh, aren't you cleaver, you guessed L's room, didn't you? Yup. A was roommates with my evil twin.

Some things, once you say them you can never take them back. Or at least, you can't take back the damage that has been done. That's the biggest lesson I ever learned.

I learned this when I noticed A kept studying with my brother. They would always be together hanging out...I was a little jealous. I mean, A was MY best friend, and MY love. And when I heard A say: "You know, your twin is really smart. He helps me study and it's quite helpful." I felt my blood boil. But it wasn't nearly as awful as that time...the day I would always, ALWAYS regret.

It was Saturday, and I wanted to walk to the village with A. He said he was busy. Stupid Alternate! He said he was doing something with Lost. How dare he! I realized I was starting to hate my twin, and (being the nosey person I am) decided to follow them...

I wish I hadn't. Because when I did I saw something I shouldn't have seen. Something that would change everything about my life. Every. Little. Thing.

At first they just studied (Oh Come on who studies on Saturday? A and L, apparently). My boyfriend and my twin were sitting at a table, looking at a book about rocks or something. Due to the fact that I am a genius, and I'm observant I notice L's hand creeping closer to A's. WTF? Eventually L placed his pale, lanky, fingers on top of Alternate's hand.

My hand flew to my mouth to suppress a gasp.

A started to stand up, Lost wouldn't let go of his hand. And then...Alternate was leaning up against the bookshelf with Lost, who was stroking his hair and kissing him.


	6. Taunting

I kept watching the two in horror. A broke away from my twin and started grabbing his papers and books, then raced out of the library. I thought he must have seen me. I dashed out from my hiding place and began chasing the brunette down the hall.

"Just where do you think your going, Alternate?" I hollowed at him.

"Oh, Hi Backup!" he turned and waved.

"Come on!" I grabbed my "boyfriend" by the collar of his red shirt and dragged him to our, whoops my mistake, what used to be OUR bedroom and slammed the door.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"What? W-what are y-you t-tal-talking about?" The books tumbled from his hands as A stuttered.

"You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about Asshole!"

He blinked innocently.

"Snogging my twin of course! WTF?"

"Look..."

"GOD A! HOW COULD YOU?"

"B...I'm really sorry but...but..."

"BUT WHAT?"

"I didn't...I mean..."

"You bastard! You cheater!"

"I'M SORRY NOT EVERYTHING WORKS OUT LIKE IN A SHOJO BB!"

"YOU THINK HE'S SMARTER THAN ME! DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?

"No...that's...no I can ex-"

"DON'T TRY AND EXPLAIN ANYTHING ASSHOLE!"

"But-" A's eyes were pleading

"Goddamnit just...just…JUST GO KILL YOURSELF!"

A stared and me for a moment. A single tear dripped down his cheek.

"Fine...if that's what you want..." He muttered almost inaudibly, shuffling out of his room, neglecting the books he had left on my floor.

Later that day I was thinking, maybe I should go and try to sort things out with A. Telling him to go kill himself wasn't very nice, though I highly doubted he'd take it seriously.

I got up from my bed and unplugged my headphones from my ears. I had been listening to "Me against the world" by simple plan. It's a very good song you should listen to it.

I walked to A and L's room and pushed open the door.

"Would you do me the courtesy of knocking?" Said L's monotone.

"Not now." I rolled my eyes stepping into the room. "Where's A?"

"I am uncertain...but I believe he went outside."

I ran out, not bothering to shut L's door. Outside it was raining and icky and muddy. I don't see why A would want to be out here for long, but he probably wanted to be alone.

"A?" "Ayyyy!" I called "A! Where are you?" I ambled around the gate of the orphanage and followed it to the back yard, calling my friends name."

"AYYYY!" "WHERE ARE YOU?" I scowled and shook rain out of my dark hair.

"PLEASE ALTERNATE! I'M SORRY I SHOUTED AT YOU EARLIER!" Nobody herd me yelling because they were all inside and no one wanted to hang out or play soccer in this weather.

"Damn, he must have gone into the woods."

I pushed trough the bushes and skidded in the mud a couple times. I was still calling his name.

Sighing I leaned up against a pine tree in the forest. "Ayyyy! Alternate, where are you?"

"Ugh..." I glanced up at the branches above me. I saw a pair of boots. Wait a second..." I got out from under the tree and looked up.

My A. Was. Hanging. From. A. Tree branch.

With a 0 above his head. I stared at the zero. It taunted me. It always taunted me to see those wretched numbers


	7. The note

I stood there, shocked. A was dead. Then I noticed a pice of paper on the ground. I already knew what it was. I picked it up, half afraid to open it.

Inside, A had writen in his perfect neat handwriting.

_Dear, everybody. I hate myself and I hate this orphanage. I don't want to be the next L. I never did, I wanted to be an artist dammit, and nobody cared. You all just expected me to play the roll of L petfectly because I have a 176 IQ score. You are all sick bastards and I hope you know it. Now I have somthing special to say to Beyond Birthday. Thank you B. You were always there for me and you were my best friend since we were children. And you know I love you. But what I really must thank you for, is reminding me I really am useless. I know I'll never be smart enough or good enough, so why bother trying? I have been thinking of disposing of myself for a while, but when you told me "Just go kill yourself." I realized it was the only answere._

_-With all due respect, Anthony Smithfire_.

My eyes windened, I shoved the note into my jeans pocket and took off for the orphanage, knowing I would vomit if I even glanced at my friends lifeless body again.

I franticly dashed to Watari's office, tripping several times on the hallway carpeting. When I burst in the door he looked up, and saw me.

"Backup, what is it?"

I was breathing hard, my hands flat on his desk, shaking.

"It's...I...A..." I choked over my own words. "He...I...killed..."I couldn't even talk. My knees gave way and I sank down to the floor benieth me, where I proceeded to disgorge the contentse of my stomach, and sob uncontrollably.

Watari got up from his char and put a hand on my shoulder. He walked me to the nurse's office, because where else do you take a sobbing, puking kid?

Once seated in a plastic chair. Watari calmly asked what was wrong. It was ironic that he was so nice, being the head of an orphage that is so awful it forces succsessors to hang themselves.

"What happened, why are you so upset?"

I swallowed hard. "It's...A. A hanged himself."

I saw Watari's usually closed eyes widen. "He is dead?"

"Yes..." I started crying again. Yes he's in the woods!"

I didn't tell the man about the note, because I felt it was for me. I didn't want them to know everything about us. I stuck my hand in the pocket of my jeans and touched the paper.

The nurse, Mrs. Victor told me to lie down and try to be calm. I curled up on one of the cots. I didn't even bother trying not to think. After twenty minutes I was calm enough go to my room and opened my desk. I found a few pictures of A and me and sat down, staring at them.

In the first one, It was A's birthday. We were six years old at the time. Then it was my Birthday, we were ten. Lost was in there too. I also had some pictures of when we were older.

I tore every one of those pictures up. I shredded them with my fingernails and flushed them down the toilet.

Do you know why?

I hated the zero that floated over A's head. It reminded me that it was my fault I killed him.

* * *

><p>Review pweese! And you'll get annother chapter! Tell me if you love it, hate it, have sugestions...<p> 


	8. Funeral

One morning, a few days after A had met his self inflicted demise, it was his funeral. I dressed in black, commed my hair, and walked down to breakfast in the daze I had been in all week. I hadn't eaten anything much over the past few days, but today a spread jam on a piece of toast and had that for breakfast.

Because of the funeral, classes for the day were cancelled. After eating my toast, I walked slowly and roboticly to the auditorium.

"Hey Backup!" An orange haired girl sprinted over to me. Tiger. She was somthing of a friend to me, though I was not nearly as close with her as was with A.

"Hello Tiger." I greeted monotonously.

"So...what happenee with Alternate..."

"He's dead. He hung himself. I saw it myself."

"Well...My sister...Cat...she says you murdered him..."

"No." I responded flatly. "I did no such thing. It was suicide."

"If you say so." Tiger shrugged and stuffed her hands into her pockets.

I slid into a seat in the back of the auditorium. From my place I watched students fill in the other chairs, many talking in hushed tones to each other. There was a large A projected on the wall above a podium.

I heard footsteps walking twords me and looked to my left to see L.

"Good morning Backup."

"Does it look like a good morning to you, L?"

"..." My twin sat himself down in a chair one seat away from mine

"A's dead L."

"Yes..." He spoke in a monotone while biting his thumbnail, a habit that I considered to be quite disgusting. "How...unfortunate." Lost didn't make eye contact with me, he only absentmindedly stared at the projected capital A on the screen.

A minute later, Watari walked up to the podium.

"In the past few days we all suffered the loss of a great student. Alternate, or A was the first student to be admitted to Whammy's House Orphanage.

And then he proceeded to talk about A's acomplishmeants. About the place he held at Whammy's NOT the person he was. Thats about when I got up and left.

"What on earth are you doing?" My brother hissed at me.

"What does it look like I'm doing genius?" I walked calmly out of the auditorium and back to my room.

"The way he treats me now...I seethed. "Whats wrong with L anyways?"

I started thinking about L and A. I was sure that it was L who had put so much pressure on A. It was L's fault. And why had they kissed...did Lost force him too? I really did hate him...L that is. Slowly a plan that would rival the genius of my twin began forming in my mind...


End file.
